This is a very moving piece. Having ADHD and not being able to take stimulant meds for it has made for an …interesting life experience, lol.
The assumed laziness, the assumed defiance. These things plagued my childhood.
I think defiance in those of us with ADHD is largely misunderstood. It is a dopamine-seeking response. Most of us are like golden retrievers - happy, just excited to be included. That is when we are seen, or at least loved, despite our energy. When we aren’t, when we are othered. This changes. For me, it feels like a layered approach. On the first swing, I wanted to be nice, included. I just wanted to contribute and be “part of it” - whatever the specific “it” might be.
But when we are othered, when we feel the exasperation from the sighs and the eye rolling, we panic. RSD isn’t just something some of us experience. It is a neurological response, a way of seeding defensive measures to protect ourselves.
Before we have the words for it, I am talking like 4, 5, 6 years old - we understand a level of complexity that is somehow beyond neurological development at that age. But, we know we are different. We don’t know why. We don’t know that dysregulation is what we are feeling. So when, especially the “adults” around us can’t seem to identify or respond to it without anger, we become frustrated. Not only do we not know whats going on, but they dont seem to either and yet - they’re punishing us. “For whatttt?!?!?!” Our brains scream, “I don’t know whats going on”, “what did I do, why am I in trouble?!?!”
We act on that lack of regulation. We need the dopamine we are deficient of, we need It to hit the synapses we have less of. That is where “defiance” is born. That is why we circle back like we tend to do as children. That post-fight deep, deep remorse. The desire to go back in time. Fuelled by some unconscious knowledge that we are frayed, and that every incursion further reinforces the fray, and the resulting distance.
This is why so many of us “leave”. We often leave mentally before we do physically. Internalising a kind of loneliness that is difficult to articulate. An “othering” that requires no words. That was never intentional. An othering that the adults seem to be just as unable to control as we do..
We can see that in the adults closest to us, especially the ones who are supposed to protect us, but often turn on us.
That is why we tend to conclude things like “they’re better off when I am not around”. Not in a morbid or ideating way, but as a practical solution. A path of least action for them, and least resistance for all.
That’s why your piece is so important. Because it gently shows how early that pattern starts, and what it actually means.
Thank you for putting this out there. I hope more people, especially parents, read it.
This was such a compassionate reframing. “Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes” might be the clearest, kindest metaphor I’ve ever read for ADHD — it explains both the brilliance and the struggle without shame. What really struck me was your reminder that rest is not earned, it’s essential. That shift alone could change how so many kids (and adults) see themselves. Thank you for putting language around what so often gets misunderstood.
This is a very moving piece. Having ADHD and not being able to take stimulant meds for it has made for an …interesting life experience, lol.
The assumed laziness, the assumed defiance. These things plagued my childhood.
I think defiance in those of us with ADHD is largely misunderstood. It is a dopamine-seeking response. Most of us are like golden retrievers - happy, just excited to be included. That is when we are seen, or at least loved, despite our energy. When we aren’t, when we are othered. This changes. For me, it feels like a layered approach. On the first swing, I wanted to be nice, included. I just wanted to contribute and be “part of it” - whatever the specific “it” might be.
But when we are othered, when we feel the exasperation from the sighs and the eye rolling, we panic. RSD isn’t just something some of us experience. It is a neurological response, a way of seeding defensive measures to protect ourselves.
Before we have the words for it, I am talking like 4, 5, 6 years old - we understand a level of complexity that is somehow beyond neurological development at that age. But, we know we are different. We don’t know why. We don’t know that dysregulation is what we are feeling. So when, especially the “adults” around us can’t seem to identify or respond to it without anger, we become frustrated. Not only do we not know whats going on, but they dont seem to either and yet - they’re punishing us. “For whatttt?!?!?!” Our brains scream, “I don’t know whats going on”, “what did I do, why am I in trouble?!?!”
We act on that lack of regulation. We need the dopamine we are deficient of, we need It to hit the synapses we have less of. That is where “defiance” is born. That is why we circle back like we tend to do as children. That post-fight deep, deep remorse. The desire to go back in time. Fuelled by some unconscious knowledge that we are frayed, and that every incursion further reinforces the fray, and the resulting distance.
This is why so many of us “leave”. We often leave mentally before we do physically. Internalising a kind of loneliness that is difficult to articulate. An “othering” that requires no words. That was never intentional. An othering that the adults seem to be just as unable to control as we do..
We can see that in the adults closest to us, especially the ones who are supposed to protect us, but often turn on us.
That is why we tend to conclude things like “they’re better off when I am not around”. Not in a morbid or ideating way, but as a practical solution. A path of least action for them, and least resistance for all.
That’s why your piece is so important. Because it gently shows how early that pattern starts, and what it actually means.
Thank you for putting this out there. I hope more people, especially parents, read it.
Thank you so much for your detailed review. Yeah, you are right…I just wish a lot of people understand ADHD… and know how to control it…
I wish more of us could articulate our experiences.
I try to offer people grace on the subject. If those of us living with it have such trouble understanding, what hope does someone on the outside have?
Thanks for such a beautiful comment above.
Yep, hope is everything!
A must read, thanks
You’re welcome ☺️
This was such a compassionate reframing. “Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes” might be the clearest, kindest metaphor I’ve ever read for ADHD — it explains both the brilliance and the struggle without shame. What really struck me was your reminder that rest is not earned, it’s essential. That shift alone could change how so many kids (and adults) see themselves. Thank you for putting language around what so often gets misunderstood.
Thank you so much ☺️
It's always good to talk about these things, thanks for sharing the knowledge :)